


The Goddamned Beacon of Truth

by kozyinc



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Drug Use, Verbal Abuse, buck is bad at emotions, eddie is so good to buck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:07:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28212894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kozyinc/pseuds/kozyinc
Summary: A tear fell down his cheek as he shut his eyes tightly. The rain was loud and almost drowned out the song on the radio, but they were still able to hear the soft song. Buck let out a stuttered breath, “I’m so scared right now.” He said in a quiet voice just loud enough for Eddie to hear. Eddie’s face softened as he looked at Buck, the line they usually had between them had been crossed - probably had been crossed longer than they had thought. “I know.” Eddie whispered slightly, turning towards Buck. He opened his eyes, more tears falling down as he looked at Eddie - searching his face for answers he had been searching for his whole life - “I don’t wanna get hurt.” Buck mumbled, his hands shaky as he spoke. The rain got louder. “I’m not going to hurt you.” Eddie said softly, grabbing one of Buck’s shaking hands before they both leaned in close to each other, gently and almost hesitantly kissing each other to the sound of Elliot Smith on the radio.--------------------loosely based on the movie "Stuck in Love" really really loosely you don't need to watch the movie or know anything about it lol I just added scenes from the movie into the fic - titled from one of the episodes from the tv show "Wayne"
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Original Female Character(s), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	The Goddamned Beacon of Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Hiii, I got inspiration and wrote this. I have usually only done one-shots, so I'm pretty nervous about starting a chapter book, but I'm hoping it'll go well lol. When reading this there may be some triggering scenes including: drug use, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mention of drowning, slight homophobia. There might be more so let me know in the comments if anything else is triggering so I can add it as a warning. Also! I'm not good at tagging, so if you have any ideas for tags, let me know that too! :)  
> \----------------  
> Thanks to all my beta readers for the help on this! I appreciate yall so much :D @MasterERose @LouiseLouise @Gk925

South America.

Evan Buckley is stubborn and knows what he wants. Throughout his life, he hasn’t had much control, but as soon as he could. As soon as he was able to leave the shackles of Hershey, Pennsylvania, he had control. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with his life, but in the moment, in the minute, he knew what he wanted. What he wanted was to do his own thing without fear - without fear of failure - without fear of his parents or whoever the fuck else. He wasn’t going to be a basketball star like his parents and coaches wanted him to. He wasn’t going to be a doctor or a nurse like Maddie suggested. _”We could both be in the medical field. Together! You’re smart enough you know? You could be an incredible doctor.”_ He wasn’t going to use his brain or his brawl or his looks. Evan just wanted to be himself and have control over his life and figure out what he wanted to do on his own. Not what everyone else wanted him to do. So, he set for South America. Traveling is what people do when they don’t know what to do with themselves as if fucking going to some random place on Earth would suddenly give some fucking insight? As if eating new foods and trying new activities - fucking bungee jumping? - would suddenly make someone a better person? As if meeting new people and then never seeing those people again just to meet more new people would suddenly help you figure out what the fuck you’re supposed to do with your life? South America. Evan tended bar there, he was good at it and his hours were decently flexible. He could go surfing and sightseeing and meet new people while still making decent money in an unknown place. He met a good group of friends who were fun to hang around with, they often got drunk together or tried different drugs because hey! You’re only in your 20s once, right? It was easy to get addicted to a certain lifestyle. Drinking, getting high, having sex, partying, drinking, getting high, having sex, and repeat. Until slowly, Evan was the only one left from the group. All of his friends had found what they wanted from traveling, they figured out what they wanted to do with their lives, they wanted to go home or travel somewhere else. They had it all fucking figured out. Except for Evan. 

“Can I get a drink?” A voice said as they sat at one of the bar stools. Evan had zoned out, cleaning glasses over and over again just for something to do, his life had gotten exceptionally boring ever since his friends had ditched him. He looked up and met eyes with the girl at the bar. She’s pretty. Really really fucking pretty. Some would even say beautiful. Her smile lit up the room and Evan had almost dropped the glass he was holding, he quickly composed himself and set the clean glass down, walking towards her. “What do you want?” She hummed for a moment, “surprise me?” She eventually said with a raise of her eyebrows, a playful smile on her face and a shine in her eyes. Evan was fucking gone for her. He smiled at her before making her a drink. All girls like fruity cocktails, right? He set the drink down in front of her before leaning casually against the counter to watch her, she took a drink of the blue fruity monstrosity. “Mm. This is good, wow. It looks… a little weird, but wow. Really sweet.” She laughed and her laugh was so infectious, it got Evan to laugh. For the first time in a while, he was laughing and it wasn’t forced. 

Everything ends. 

Evan has known this since Maddie left home and married fucking Doug. Everything ends and people leave. It had been a fast 6 months with this girl. Her name’s Jeanette and she’s fiery and funny and the most wonderful fucking person on the planet. And Evan… Evan is head over heels for her. He didn’t think he deserved anything good so when she actually loved him and he loved her back, he was surprised. Always thinking _how could a girl like this. How could_ **_she_ ** _love_ **_me_ ** _?_ And she did. Jeanette didn’t do anything half assed, if she loved someone she loved them fully and strongly. Jeanette has a friend and they’re _just_ friends and she loves him, right? So, why the fuck did Evan catch Jeanette and fucking Derek fucking in their bed on a Tuesday afternoon? Luckily, Evan didn’t exactly put down roots. He quickly grabbed his bag and packed his shit as Jeanette tried to talk to him and apologize to him. Evan had the thought to kill Derek, but he realized… It wasn’t worth it. Starting a fight wouldn’t change anything. Fuck, maybe he _has_ grown as a person. Because 17 year old Evan would totally fucking kill that dude. “Evan, please, it didn’t mean anything between Derek and I. We’re just friends, you know this! I love you! I love you so much, Evan, you don’t have to leave.” Jeanette begged and he turned towards her and harshly stepped forward. “You love me?” He scoffed, “how long have you and Derek been fucking?” She stammered, shaking her head. “How long?!” Evan yelled and she flinched, “for… for a year.” Evan’s heart broke. He stepped back from her, “you’ve been… You and him have been doing this before me? During our first date? During… during us?” His voice cracked as he blinked back tears, he shook his head and grabbed the last shirt of his from their bedroom closet. “We moved in together and you never… You didn’t think once to end things with him? You didn’t… All those fucking times you told me you were ‘just friends’ and…” Evan trailed off, shaking his head before grabbing his bag. “Good luck Jeanette. With whatever… whatever it is.” He mumbled, taking one last look at her. He really did love her.

* * *

Growing up Evan seemed to have the perfect life. His mom and dad were still together - never divorced. He has an older sister and he’s the youngest - the baby of the family. He’s good at sports and decently smart too. His parents came to most of his games. He had the perfect cookie-cutter life. Except not really. Because his mom was a fucking cheat and his dad was too blinded by love to care. His dad always decided to ignore things he didn’t like. If Evan came out as bisexual in high school, his dad would take a deep breath and go back to reading the newspaper. _”Dad? Dad, did you hear me?” “Evan, you really should get back to practice, you have a game next week.”_ Robert Buckley made it very clear what was allowed and what wasn’t. And Maddie - Maddie has always been the best older sister. She practically raised Evan since their parents weren’t too good at being parents and she always made him feel better. Then, she met Doug. Suddenly, Maddie was around less and talked to Evan less and stopped coming to his games and Evan was so very much alone. 

* * *

He tries out for the Navy Seals, his dad always talked about the navy and how admirable it was. Part of Evan was always trying to still impress his father no matter how much he might hate him. The Navy Seals is almost too easy. See, Evan is strong and courageous, he can pass the physical part easy with no hesitation. He’s _good_ at it. The other recruits are cool people to hang out with too. They don’t care about your past or anything you struggle with, as long as you don’t start any fights and do what you gotta do, everyone is cool. They’re training in water right now, Evan is fine with water. He’s always been interested in surfing and swimming and while this is… nothing like that. He’s fine with it. They have to swim in the open water with crazy waves with their full gear on and basically they try not to drown. Evan is doing good when he notices Mark - Mark is a younger recruit and he’s honestly too innocent and nice to be here - Mark is struggling with the water. “Mark! You okay?” Evan calls over, frowning at the situation. “Yeah-Yeah, I’m just… I’m not really a great swimmer…” Mark stammers out, he’s clearly out of breath and definitely struggling. Evan quickly swims over to him, “hey, hold on to me.” 

“What? No, Evan I can do this. It’s every man for himself, if you help me you’ll probably be punished, man.” Evan shrugs, “doesn’t matter to me. I’m not letting you fucking drown yourself.” Mark hesitates before nodding and grabbing onto Evan’s arm. Evan pulls them to shore. 

“You disobeyed a direct order! You’re supposed to do your task and get yourself to shore - Not stop and help someone else. You think you can be a Navy Seal acting like that?” Evan is getting yelled at now, he doesn’t regret helping Mark. “Buckley, you’re good at this. You’re strong and fit, no doubt. But this isn’t the first time you’ve fucked up because you can’t keep your emotions in check.” Evan feels like he’s back in his high school basketball coach’s office, getting lectured about missing practices. “I quit.” He hears himself say, he didn’t plan to say that, but now it’s out. “Excuse me?” Evan stands from his seat, “I can’t do this. I can’t turn off my feelings. Sorry. I quit.” He ends the conversation and walks out. 

“You’re really leaving, man.” A voice says as Evan is finishing packing up his things. He looks over and smiles with a slight shrug, “yeah. You should too, Mark. You’re too nice to be here, ya know?” Now, Mark shrugs. “Thanks for saving my life.” Evan laughs and they hug each other one last time, “anytime, man.” It’s the last time he sees Mark.

* * *

Evan is 13 years old when he first discovers it. The Buckleys are throwing a New Years party because what else would Robert and Ellen Buckley do, right? He’s sitting in his room on his window sill, the window open so he gets some of the cool Pennsylvania air. He can hear the music and people mingling downstairs. The backdoor opens and he hears his mom laugh, she’s buzzed on the champagne that was handed out. Evan watches out the window when his mom and Mr. Miller come into view. Evan’s room is on the second story of the house so while he can see them unless they look up they can’t see him. Mr. Miller is his dad’s golf friend, he also owns the hardware stores in the area. Ellen Buckley is clinging onto him, they are way closer than they should be. Then, she kisses him and Mr. Miller kisses back. They kiss for a long time before Ellen moves away giggling, moving in to kiss Mr. Miller again but Mr. Miller moves back and laughs a little, “What if Robert sees?” He whispers, his eyes darting to the backdoor. Robert Buckley is busy talking to a group of his coworkers. “I don’t care.” Ellen says with a laugh before they kiss again. Evan watches with his eyes wide, _I don’t care_ , she had said. What the hell does that mean? Evan moves away from the window so he can’t see them anymore.

* * *

Evan is about 16 when he starts getting into fights, it’s during the same time he stopped going to basketball practices. He’s an angry teenager and people piss him off way too much. He’s losing all his friends because people are starting to get sick of this angsty angry teenager act. He meets a boy in the library, they’re both looking for the same book for the same English class. Apparently Jake is in his English class, Evan doesn’t know why he has never noticed him. They become friends and study together and read together and Evan thinks to himself frequently: _This is what love is._

He’s writing a poem for English class, it’s fucking stupid but it’s required and all he can think about is Jake so naturally the poem is kind of about him. “Hey.” he stops his writing and turns to see Maddie smiling at his bedroom door. “Wha? Maddie? What are you doing home?” She smiles, but it’s not her usually bright smile. “Just came to visit my favorite little brother for a while.” 

“I’m your only little brother.” 

“Still my favorite.”

Evan smiles and there’s an awkward silence, last time they saw each other Evan was pretty angry at her because she was leaving him alone and now they haven’t spoken properly in months. He’s the type of person to hold grudges, but he loves his sister so… “Ian gave me some weed.” He says and she raises her eyebrows. “Wanna go up to the roof like we used to?” She laughs and nods. 

Maddie lights up the small pipe before inhaling. It’s shit weed because this is Pennsylvania and it was bought off of some 16 year old kid, but Maddie is just glad to be talking to her brother again so she doesn’t care. She hands the pipe to him. They’re sitting on the rooftop with their knees pulled up to their chests so they don’t fall off the roof. Evan is wearing some dirty hoodie and old jeans, he’s not one for style nowadays. Maddie is just wearing her usual black coat and leggings - perfect for Pennsylvania start of winter weather. Evan lights up the pipe and slowly inhales. “So… Any girls this year?” She asks him before correcting herself, “Or boys?” Evan lets out a little bit of the smoke before exhaling completely and lighting the pipe again, he talks as he works. “Yeah, there’s this guy. Jake. He’s in my English class.” He takes a hit from the pipe again before handing it to Maddie and leaning his hand on his head. “Every time I see him I hear that song,” he laughs a bit because of how absurd it is, “‘I want to hold your hand’ by The Beatles.” Both of them laugh at him. “God you are so pathetic.” Maddie jokes with a laugh and he nods, sighing, “at least I know I’m pathetic.” They laugh again and Maddie hands him the pipe. “Let me give you some advice.” Evan sighs, lighting the pipe again. “Can’t wait to hear your advice, it’s so awesome.” He shakes his head, Maddie laughs a little before becoming a bit more serious. “There are two types of people in this world. Hopeless romantics and realists.” She looks at him and he nods, “right.” 

“A realist… just sees that face and packs it in with every other pretty person they’ve ever seen before.” Evan takes one last hit from the pipe before staring straight ahead and listening to Maddie’s ‘advice’. “...A hopeless romantic becomes convinced that God put them on Earth to be with that one person. But, there is no God and life is only as meaningful as you fool yourself into thinking it is.” Evan takes her words in. “So, which one are you?” 

“Hm?”

“I mean… You’re with Doug, right? You married him so fast. You must be a hopeless romantic, but that tone… suggests otherwise.” Maddie sighs and looks away from him. “We both watched Mom and Dad destroy each other growing up. You would think we’d both be realists... I don’t know. I love Doug, I do. Just…” She frowns and shrugs. Then, her phone rings. It’s Doug, of course. “Speaking of which… I should go.” Evan frowns but nods anyway, he shouldn’t get used to her staying too long. She gets up and climbs back into the house, Evan watches her leave. He wonders what he did wrong to make Maddie not want to be around him as much anymore. 

Things are good with Jake. Evan falls hard for him, they’re not out to everyone so they can only act as friends in public, but everything is still so good. They have dates at the movie theatre because it’s dark in there so they can hold hands and kiss without fear. Jake helps Evan with his homework. Evan stays the night at Jake’s house frequently and everyone just thinks they’re friends so the sleepovers are… a lot of fun for the both of them. Until his dad catches them. Evan needed to study for a test in his science class and Jake was good at science. Amazing at it. They study for a long time and once Evan understands the material they… “I like kissing you.” Jake mutters, reaching to kiss him again, Evan laughs and nods, “ditto, babe.” They smile at each other before leaning in and kissing each other gently until it slowly turns into making out. Evan’s hands roamed under Jake’s shirt, pushing it up slowly - the door opened and Evan jumped away from Jake at the sound of it. “What the hell?” The loud voice of his father booms and Evan flinches, he nudges for Jake to leave but he hesitates. "Go." Evan said harshly, watching Jake rush out past Mr. Buckley. "You were..." His father starts, his voice laced with disgust. "Dad, I-" His father cuts him off, "I don't wanna hear it. You can't ever see that boy again, you hear me? And if I catch you with him or with another boy... _like that_ I'll kill you." His father says harshly before storming out. Robert Buckley has never been a liar. 

* * *

California

Evan is smoking a cigarette, he’s trying to quit though. He started smoking back in his early days in South America, he doesn’t necessarily enjoy smoking, but he understands why people get addicted to them. Evan is in California now, his plan was to go to LA, a big city in a big state. He’s not sure what he’s hoping to find there. However, he ended up in Central Valley California. Bakersfield to be more specific. It’s a lot different from Pennsylvania. California has unbreathable air, major pollution, too much traffic, and it never snows. That’s what he misses most about home, the snow. How soft it can be. How different each individual snowflake is and how comforting it can be. He misses the cold air on his face, his hands being numb. “What are you thinking about?” Dylan asks, taking the cigarette from Evan’s fingers and smoking it slowly. They’re lying in bed together, half naked. Evan met Dylan through his temporary roommate’s friend, they clicked immediately and started hooking up. Although lately, Dylan has been… different. Evan shrugs, “I miss the weather back home.” 

“Yeah? Is it different from the weather here? Where are you from again?” Evan frowns at that, he thought he and Dylan had something, he’s told him about ten times that he’s from Hershey, Pennsylvania. Evan wonders why everyone he catches feelings for treats him so badly. He knows he doesn’t deserve love, but he thinks he deserves more than… whatever this is. 

“You know it snowed here in 1999?” Evan leaned back on a desk chair, turning it towards Dylan who was lounging on the couch who just raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay…?” Evan shrugs, “that means it’s not impossible for it to snow here in California. Plus, like there’s mountains around here and it snows up there. Although, I don’t really wanna drive that far to see snow. But I mean in the cities, it has snowed before here. It could again.” Dylan shrugs before getting up and looking at Evan’s computer where he had searched ‘has it ever snowed in california?’ And then ‘images’ and then there’s a picture pulled up from when it snowed in the central valley in 1999. “Wow, it really snowed here.” He mutters, scrolling more. Pictures from it snowing in the 1980s. “Yeah, so, it doesn’t snow a lot. But, it happens, I guess. I hope I can experience that here. A California winter with actual snow.” Evan grins, meeting Dylan’s eyes. Dylan has the best dark green eyes. Then, the moment breaks. Whatever moment they were having. “How long are you going to stay here? I mean, I know I said you could because you and your roommate had some argument, but…” Evan frowns. “We didn’t have an argument. He found out about me and you and kicked me out while calling me…” He trailed off, he refused to say _that_ word. “I know, I know. I just… I don’t want you getting the wrong idea.” 

“The wrong idea?” 

“I like having fun with you, Evan, but I mean I’m not gay.” 

“What? You just fucked me half an hour ago.” Evan frowned, his heart starting to race and his mind panicking. He really thought he had something with Dylan. “I’m not gay, Evan. You’re just a bit of fun, you know?” Finally, it clicked for him. _You’re just a bit of fun… You’re just a bit of fun_ . Evan swallowed the lump in his throat, begging himself to not start sobbing over this fuckface. “Yeah, yeah, totally. I’ll… You know what, I actually have a friend nearby and I can go stay there. I’ll just grab my things and get out of your hair.” He said quickly, rushing up to gather his things. Once he finished getting his things together and heading out the door, Dylan seemed to realize how upset Evan actually was. “Evan. Will I see you again?” He quickly called out just as the door opened, Evan turned back and shook his head, “probably not.” Dylan scoffed, “you’re upset about this? Fine, run away. That’s all you do anyways. You run from city to city, state to state, country to fucking country. Running from what, huh?” Dylan stepped closer, anger across his face. “Running from yourself? Getting high, fucking whoever gives you a bit of attention.” He sneered, “fine, go, you're fucking worthless anyway, _Evan._ ”

Evan shut his eyes tightly, a tear falling, before rushing out of the place. 

Everything ends.

* * *

When Evan was a teenager he was starting to realize just how insignificant he was. Maddie was gone and married to Doug, she’s a nurse and their parents loved her. Evan was an accident, Maddie was planned. They wanted one perfect child and they got it on the first try, and then they had Evan and he wasn’t supposed to be there. Once Maddie had left their childhood home, his parents got even more neglectful. They had always neglected their kids, but they were around more with Maddie there. They even stopped coming to his games because the reason they went in the first place was because: 1. Maddie made them come and 2. They had to make sure Evan didn’t fuck up a simple basketball game. Coach had high hopes for Evan in the beginning, but as days went by he got more burned out and stopped coming to practices and barely participated in games. Coach had tried talking to him, tried making him see a counselor, asked him if he was depressed and needed to talk. Evan thought it was fucking bullshit. Depressed? He’s not fucking depressed, he’s fucking exhausted and everyone around him is too stupid or too fucking oblivious. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own world to care about him. Too fucking self-involved. Evan wasn’t depressed. He was exhausted and angry. Evan got cut from the team, his presumed basketball career was over because he was too stuck in his own head. Too tired. Too angry. His dad was pissed about it. “You’re a talented player and you threw it away so easily! You were going to get scholarships to good schools! You could have had a future, Evan!” Evan bit his tongue, his eyes were hard, and all he wanted to do was punch something. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. “Say something, Evan. Why would you do this to yourself?” His mother finally chimed in and he glared at her, “because I didn’t wanna fucking play anymore.” Robert Buckley stepped forward and slapped his son harshly, “don’t talk to your mother that way.” Evan scoffed, shaking his head to himself. Then, Robert stepped closer with a threatening gaze. “Fine, don’t play basketball anymore, throw your life away. _You’re fucking worthless anyway, Evan.”_

* * *

California

Unfortunately, Evan decides to move back in temporarily with his former roommate before Dylan. His roommate is still an asshole and made it clear that Evan couldn’t bring men over or be gay even the tiniest bit. Evan was fine with this, with how upset he was over Dylan he didn’t think he’d be with another guy anytime soon. Plus, Evan has lived in a homophobic household before, so this wasn’t anything new. 

He’s been living with Aaron for a few months now. He doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life anymore. In South America, he was bartending, and then he did the Navy Seals, and he had a few odd jobs for a while after that. Now? He was lost again. Maybe he was always lost. Currently, he was working as a bartender at some restaurant on Main Street, he has experience so it was pretty easy to get a job there. Aaron and him have actually become decent ‘friends’ despite Aaron’s opinions, he figured he should get along with him considering they’re living together. 

Evan walks out into the living room to find Aaron and his friends talking loudly in the room, “hey! Evan! Wanna try something with us?” Aaron says as his friends laugh and sneak glances at the table in the living room, Evan follows their eyes to see lines of white powder on the table. “Is that…?” Aaron laughs again, “wanna?” He raises his eyebrows, motioning for Evan to come closer. Evan is hesitant, but he feels trapped for some reason, “I don’t know, it doesn’t seem like a good idea…” 

“Just once, dude, just try it. You’ll feel better.” 

It becomes a weekly thing, Aaron and his friends and Evan getting high together, Evan has only ever done coke and marijuana, but the others do other drugs as well. It’s a good pastime, makes Evan feel like his life isn’t totally boring and pathetic. He feels guilty when the high wears off though and he misses home, misses Maddie. He hasn’t talked to her in years despite still sending her Christmas cards and such. She never responds. Evan wonders what he did wrong. 

They’re getting high again, Evan never gets too fucked up, but he has a nice high going on right now. The others took some fentanyl patches. Evan has heard too many bad things about those, but he’s too high to give a fuck honestly. Plus, Aaron is an asshole and wouldn’t listen to Evan even if he tried to stop them. He feels good right now, he couldn’t breathe or hear or feel, he moved his hand to his heart beat to make sure it was still there. He stands up and walks to the kitchen, he doesn’t know why he walked in there but his body takes him to the fridge to grab a can of soda, he chugs it. The cold liquid barely touches his taste buds, cooling his throat. “Evan!” One of Aaron’s friends shouts, Evan sighs, closing his eyes and leans against the fridge. “Evan! Aaron’s not waking up!” Evan’s eyes snap open and he sobers up pretty quickly, rushing into the other room. Aaron is deathly still on the couch. “What the fuck happened? You guys weren’t watching him?” Evan moves closer to Aaron, feeling his pulse, it’s light but it’s there. “C’mon, Aaron, wake up.” He mumbles, his eyes catching Aaron’s friends sitting there. “What the hell are you guys doing?! Call 911!” He yells at them before moving Aaron to the floor, he uses his fingers to open his eyes and check his pupils. “Shit, they’re shot.” Evan checks his pulse again. Nothing. “Shit!” He doesn’t know what to do. He’s too fucking high for this. Evan breathes deeply, he knows CPR he knows he knows it, it should be like muscle memory. Evan starts compressions, attempting to get Aaron’s heartbeat back. “Fuck, c’mon Aaron, you can’t fucking die.” He checks his pulse again. Nothing. “Fuck!” He starts compressions again, much harder this time. Every few seconds, he leans his ear against Aaron’s chest to check for a heartbeat. He hears the door open and the paramedics rush in, but Evan is focused on Aaron. Checks heartbeat. Finally, it’s back again. It’s not strong, but Aaron is breathing now. Evan breathes out deeply, leaning back and letting the paramedics take over. “What did he take?” A paramedic asks. “Sir? Sir, do you know what he took?” Evan finally hears them and looks around, his brain is fuzzy. “Fentanyl maybe? I think.” The paramedics exchange a glance before nodding. “Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital too?” One asks and Evan shakes his head quickly, “no, no, I’m good, just take him.” They start to leave with Aaron, the paramedic turns back and looks at Evan, “you did good. You saved his life.” Evan nods, watching them leave in the ambulance. 

Evan doesn’t get high anymore after that. He moves out of Aaron’s place as soon as possible and heads to LA like he meant to in the first place.

* * *

Evan hates his name. All throughout his life, his name has been used against him. His dad yelling in his face about how much he disappointed him. _“You’re fucking worthless, Evan”_ said with a sneer and a hardened look on his face. His mom, _“God, Evan, you’re such a disappointment. I don’t know where we went wrong,”_ said with sadness and shaking her head. His friends, _“I mean, fuck Evan, all you do is make everyone miserable.”_ said with honesty and rage. He hates his name so he vows to change it in a new chapter of his life. Buck. He starts at the fire academy in LA and one of his roommates in LA called him that and he liked it so it stuck. Buck. The name Buck feels like him and no one has ever said it in a way that made him want to vomit. 

* * *

Los Angeles is good, it's sunny and there's a lot of people, but the place is _alive_ and everyone seems much more free than he has ever been. He soaks in it. The fire academy was a twist, he didn't think he could do something like this, but after Aaron got out of the hospital, he gave him some much helpful advice. _"You need to do something meaningful with your life, Evan. You saved my life. You did that. So, you weren't cut out for the Navy Seals, whatever. But what about helping people? Being a first responder? You can save so many more lives other than my useless one. Even if you don't wanna be an EMT, you could be, like, a firefighter, man. You like to be reckless and with that you can be reckless AND save people. Think about it."_ Buck does think about, and even though Aaron was probably one of the people other than his father that he despised, he did give good advice. The fire academy is good, gives him a challenge, but he's good at it. He's never been 100% good at _anything_ but he is at this. As he stands on the stage with the other fire academy graduates, he thinks: 

_This is the start of something good._


End file.
